Undateable: A Women's Guide to Turning Away Men

Just what is it that makes women decide a first date will not lead to a second or third? The new book, Undateable, details 311 things women don't like in, on or about men. In the interest of fairness, this post lists some of the things women do, wear or say that turn most men off. If you're in the market for a guy -- and you're a girl -- you might try scoring yourself to see how you stack up against the competition. It's easy, if you disagree with more than 5 of the items in this list, you either already have a guy and don't care any longer, or you need a personal brand renovation to get to second base.

Let's start with the eligible man's guide to what not to wear on a first date:

Coke Spoon Necklace
You may not think we notice your jewelry, but if it's hanging between your girls, think again. We're going to notice it quicker than a sign for barbecue ahead. Not that we don't appreciate nice bling, but the coke spoon says we might not be able to afford to keep you around very long.

The Oversized Pocketbook
Anything larger than you can carry on an airplane without paying extra implies you might be spending the night or you don't have a permanent place to live. On the other hand, if you show up with a tiny clutch and want us to carry your keys and phone, we're already thinking we may have made a mistake. The perfect bag? One that holds the basic items you need for three or four hours away from home.

The Sweater Coat
Most of you own one. It's usually kept at the office on the back of your chair for those chilly days and doesn't go with anything but old age. It should only be worn in public if it was purchased in the past year, is not made of acrylic, does not resemble an afghan you're grandmother made you from yarn she bought in the 70s, and doesn't have plastic buttons the size of silver dollars.

Boots with Fringe or Fur Showing
Unless you're going to dinner at a ski lodge, boots that look like they were stolen from Nanuck of the North or Sitting Bull don't impress us with your otherwise good taste (hey you picked us). And frankly Uggs are called that for a good reason. They don't look good on anyone over the age of 7 no matter how comfortable you claim them to be.

The Christmas Sweater
Not even on Christmas Day. Just make a stocking out of the one you have.

Team Logo Wear
Unless you're going to a game, we're going to wary if you show up for any other date in a Packer's jersey or a NASCAR jacket. We're concerned that you'll know more about sports than we do, and can probably outdrink us, and that's scary for guys.

Onesies and Jumpsuits
Plumbers and Airforce pilots are the only one's that look good in jumpsuits, and onesies -- jumpsuits with the legs cut off -- are just too darn cute. If my nephew has one just like it, keep in for your nappy.

Band T-shirts 
For that matter, the same goes for shirts that advertise where you work, he beer you drink, how great a mom you are, or if you're underwear is PINK.

Sensible Shoes
It's okay to wear sport-specific footwear if you're headed out for a run, walk, hike, bike, or paddle, but clunky shoes especially if they lace up or have buckles make you look like my Aunt Edna. If you're defense is how comfortable they are, you ARE my Aunt Edna.

The Sweater Vest
This is a less conspicuous version of the sweater coat, usually worn unbuttoned over a pastel blouse. I think Pam on The Office has some of these and you can see how long it took her to get a date with Jim.

An Oversized Shirt
Think men's dress shirt in a jewel tone satin usually meant to disguise breasts that are either way too small or way too big -- usually the later. If the shirt makes you look like a defensive linebacker, we're afraid we might get hurt in the huddle.

Plastic Raincoats
We pick you up and it's raining. You have on this see-thru, pink plastic raincoat that came with a free plastic rain bonnet. Better take our picture now to remember us by.

And Plastic Rainboots
Okay, plastic or rubber rainboots are fine if it's raining or you're deer hunting and don't want to leave a scent trail. But if it is dry out, and you just think the Burberry plaid is sooo cute, take the picture now.

Mom jeans
If the tag has any of these words on it: comfort, relaxed, missy, just say no. If the jeans are more than five years old, make a stocking out of them to match the one you made from your Christmas sweater.

Mom Swimwear
Why do women always think they look worse in a bathing suit than men do? If the leg openings go straight across, stay off the beach. If the top looks like it has the structure of a battleship -- you get the picture.

The Hippie Dress
Let's pause here to say that Cameron Diaz can pull this off. She can also pull off Uggs, the oversized shirt, and just about everything else on this list. We make an exception for Cameron Diaz and any of the women in the Victoria's Secret catalog. But not for you.

Too Tight Jeans
Jeans are too tight if it looks like they pushed part of your butt up around the spot your waistline should be. If the result is a muffin top, go one or several sizes up, of maybe try the hippie dress.

Converse Chucks
Especially in a color other than black or white; and double bad if you've doodled on them with a marker.

The Bluetooth Earpiece
It looks like you have a beetle stuck in your ear. Five years ago if you talked to people who aren't there, we used to worry. We still do.

Too Much Makeup
If we have to guess what you really look like in the morning, we've alreay decided we don't want to find out.

Loads of Cat Hair
If you show up looking Is there really room in your life for someone else?

Writing On Your Hand
Yeah, we'd do you, but you don't get past the primaries with us.

Rubber Bracelets
If you have one and it's yellow, that's okay so long as you're not wearing a black dress and heels, or you're dating Lance Armstrong. If you have two or three in multiple colors and we're going somewhere nice, then don't say a word about our Casio Compass Altimeter watch with the pinstripe suit.

A Zippo
If you carry a Zippo, I'm already scared and I'm not quite sure why.

The 14-lb Charm Bracelet
And, there's a story with everyone one that we just can't wait not to hear.